Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
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Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
How do dragons blow out candles?
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.