Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
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if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
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If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit