An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
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( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..