I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
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Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.