I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
You Might Also Like
New comic up. “Ransom”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.