I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
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Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]