No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
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Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.