8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
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When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.