Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
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Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Rt to bother an English speaker
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o