Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
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This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.