Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
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Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around