me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
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What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
dutch is not a serious language
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue