A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
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If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.