I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.