An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
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Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Worth the read.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
no!! no!!!!!!
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards