just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
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Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.