I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
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my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.