Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
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It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!