Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
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COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this