It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
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people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Perfect.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.