*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
You Might Also Like
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
that wasn’t the question
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.