[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
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Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
“A little help here, Danny?”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?