Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
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4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”