You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
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OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.