restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
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Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
good morning
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*