There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”