[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
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Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Finally a use for spoilers…
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Oh. My. God.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with