This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
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My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me