[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
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An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
The prophecy is fulfilled
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.