Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
You Might Also Like
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
car not found
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Awesome parenting 😂
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.