What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
You Might Also Like
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I want this so bad
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee