Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
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I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.