Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
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[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
figuring out my emotional availability:
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.