Ken is short for chicken
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“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Don’t forget to tip your server
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*