i hope this email finds you fast and furious
You Might Also Like
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t