I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
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I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
This probably isn’t good
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
The point of your 20s
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.