You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
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“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
men, we mow at sunrise.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.