she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.