Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
You Might Also Like
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Not all heroes wear capes…
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass