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WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
me irl
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.