Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
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Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena