This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
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me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?