For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
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Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Just a bush.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.