[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
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[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
tell em, edith-anne
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup