As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
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*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
This made me chuckle cuz mood
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Me, flirting😏
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.