Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
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FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
BRAKING NEWS!!
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
sliding into dms like