What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
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This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Yup
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?