as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
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I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”