wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
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I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”