[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
LA today:
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
What a chick magnet..
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]